2020 hasn’t really turned out as planned, has it? Every single one of us has been impacted by COVID-19 - and in many different ways. Some stories are heart breaking; some are inspiring; some make me proud simply because people are managing to still achieve ‘normal’ things during such abnormal times. I’m not sure how you’ll label my story - but it’s a personal one, and one which I hope gives at least one person the confidence to talk about what they are going through with someone.

Dealing with grief

Back in May, I shared a video with you for Mental Health Awareness Week, talking about how I learned the importance of ‘being kind to yourself’ when my mum unexpectedly passed away two years ago. Just six weeks after filming the video, my dad - who had been poorly for some time and shielding - took a turn for the worse. He’d been in and out of hospital for a while.

The day after he was discharged from one of his hospital stays in May, I went to stay with him as I was very worried about him. As I got there, he collapsed at home and my husband, Justin, and I comforted him while we waited for the paramedics. A few days later he was re-admitted to hospital. We then didn’t see him for 9 days with very intermittent communications with him and his doctors. And then, the hospital called to say that I was able to now visit him. But that it would be time to say my goodbyes. And also he could now be found in the COVID ward, as he had tested positive for COVID (which we think he contracted in previous hospital visit). Double-whammy.

Entering the hospital was among the strangest moments of my life. The COVID ward was extremely busy but also eerily quiet. I had to wear full PPE - which was quite a challenge to fit as they don’t really make standard PPE for 5 foot women! I still struggle to wear a face mask now, but it’s a necessity. On seeing my dad, I had to quickly decide if it was better for him to hear that he was nearing the end from me or
from a nurse; and obviously it could only ever be me.

But I will be eternally grateful that I was able to visit him, as so many people have not had the opportunity to be by their loved ones’ sides in those last COVID moments. We had an unforgettable couple of hours together before we agreed it was time for him to go and be with my mum.

As I said to our Managing Partner, Paul Eagland, when he phoned me: “If I can tell my dad that it’s time to go, then I think I can now tell anyone anything.”

Dealing with COVID-19

In between my dad’s hospital visits, Justin and I were exhausted; I put my bad headache down to the stress of my dad being unwell. I noticed that my cough - which I’d previously had with hay fever had come back but it was much worse. We think that Justin and I caught C-19 from my dad when we were comforting him whilst waiting for the paramedics.

We didn’t know that he had C-19 then, although that wouldn’t have made a difference. It wasn’t long before my daughter and her boyfriend, who had been living with us during lockdown, were also showing symptoms. We all tested positive and by the time I got to visit my dad in hospital, I’d had symptoms for just over a week. We had called my son home from his girlfriend’s where he had been living as we knew it wasn’t looking so great for my dad and he arrived home just as we tested positive, so he then couldn’t see his girlfriend for two weeks. We tried our hardest to isolate him but he wasn’t well either.

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When I have my ‘wobbly’ moments, I know it’s the right thing to do to step away from the laptop, go for a walk, a spin on the Peloton or a shower; and every time I can come back to the laptop later feeling re-energised.

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You’ll know that people’s C-19 symptoms are different. For me, it was complete fatigue - I was sleeping for 16-17 hours a day for nearly two weeks - with a terrible headache, very bad breathlessness, a dry cough and randomly - twitching calf muscles! We were very unwell for about four weeks and during that time we had to arrange a socially distanced funeral.

Was I kind to myself?

Looking back, I can see that, being completely wiped out by C-19, forced me into a period of bed rest and took away any option of trying to do too much in the period immediately after dad died. I can see this was probably helpful to me in the long run as I had no choice but to ‘not rush back’. Indeed, still now - about two months later - I have moments, hours or afternoons of complete exhaustion; I call them my ‘wobbly days’.

I honestly don’t know if it’s the ongoing impacts of C-19 or if it is grief. It feels like a different grief to when I lost my mum – the suddenness of her death was a complete shock – so I need to learn to recognise the signs. I waited until after the funeral before coming back to work, something which Paul and all my fellow LT members were openly supportive of. All of them – plus Lisanne Barrell, our head of equity partner HR & firm governance, and Nic Swinden, my PA - were amazing.

What did I learn?

Physical wellbeing: Seeing the COVID ward in action is tough. The NHS is amazing and my dad’s nurse was wonderful – but you really don’t want to end up in that ward, as either a patient or visitor. Please remain cautious and follow Government guidelines. Being physically active (once I was able) has helped my recovery from C- 19 and also helps with my mental wellbeing.
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Talk about it: if you can, please, please talk about how you are feeling; it has really helped me deal with three tough bereavements in 2.5 years. I have been open with my colleagues this year.

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Mental wellbeing: This has been so difficult for so many; the C-19 crisis has put so much into perspective. Someone said to me that my last two years have been like a pinball machine, caring for and then dealing with the death of a number of close family members (my father-in-law also passed away a few months ago). When I have my ‘wobbly’ moments, I know it’s the right thing to do to step away from the laptop,
go for a walk, a spin on the Peloton or a shower; and every time I can come back to the laptop later feeling re-energised.

Talk about it: if you can, please, please talk about how you are feeling; it has really helped me deal with three tough bereavements in 2.5 years. I have been open with my colleagues this year. One of them called me and said “actually, my father passed away recently but I wasn’t sure how to talk about it at work” and we talked for such a long time about our dads. They – and I – really needed it.

Be kind to each other: BDO is a team that can help you. When you’re going through grief, illness or just a difficult patch, that’s not the time when you also need to consume yourself with work stress or work guilt. We will, and I think do, all step in to help each other. Be kind to yourself: And – as both Paul and my family now quote back at me from my video – I need to keep being kind to myself. As do all of you.